I was going to be a really good mum.
I knew this, because I had longed for my own baby since childhood.
I would cherish my children and love them so deeply.
That was most important, I thought, that children were loved.
I’d be there for every school drop-off and pick-up, as my own mum had been.
Get messy and creative and sing with them around the piano.
Recite poetry loudly at the head of a raucous table.
I had all sorts of plans.
Much of the above did happen – does happen – we sing, get messy and creative, read poetry together.
But what I hadn’t anticipated was that at many junctures, as a mother, love wouldn’t be quite enough.
Yes, it is the most important thing.
But stemming from that love, you have to action many many things.
You have to think hard, plan, strategise, adjust, adapt, accept that you will make mistakes and also accept that sometimes your children will resent you for those mistakes.
Love holds it together like a vase holding flower stems but the small cracks can feel quite painful, at times. Shameful, even.
When my home is chaos and I’m working out whose needs, in that moment, are greatest, I feel overwhelmed.
I hadn’t prepared for this. I used to be so calm around children.
But those were children I’d look after for a day or night; not forever.
I don’t take deep breaths or walk away, I think on the spot.
Speak calmly, find a resolution, snap, shout if I need to, fix the situation, sometimes get it wrong and work to remedy it later.
I was always going to be a good mum but I didn’t know that often, I wouldn’t feel that way.
That sometimes, I’d feel quite lost about what to do.
Clawing my way through darkness towards a tiny sliver of light.
Paddling furiously underwater while keeping my fake-smiling face on show.
I didn’t know that my children would wind me up and I’d burst out in a rage, like a furious jack-in-the-box.
I hadn’t anticipated finding any of it hard.
I still believe love is at the centre of all the best relationships, behaviours and actions.
If we choose love – and the path that follows it – we usually end up in the right place.
But motherhood requires a lot around the edges of love.
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